Wednesday, October 30, 2013
It's been a while since I've had time to sit and ponder. Two moves in six months, ordering checks (again), address changes (again), and looking at this new 1.14 acres trying to figure out what in the world we want to do with it to make it less labor intensive, especially before the rains come, have taken about all my time.
Life in the country is on a different page, check that, in a different book from life in the city. Today I was online comparing propane rates, while a guy with a backhoe dug out the old garden area to prepare for the mini-vineyard. Prior to the arrival of the backhoe, I shoveled many wheelbarrows of bark into another area of the yard to be recycled, and pulled up miles and miles and layers and layers of weed stop. I no longer have any white socks. Grime goes right through my cute little Orange County gym shoes, I discovered.
A little honesty. There are so many emotions wrapped up in this new life adventure. Right now I'm looking out the window through gorgeous green trees at my daughter's red livestock barn. The sheep and goats scamper by every now and then (apparently it's mating season, hence the scampering), and I love this view with everything in me. I love that my blood pressure has dropped 10 points since leaving my OC job. I also love how close our kids and grandkids are. But we are no longer the Disneyland, two visit a year grandparents. Day to day contact means changing roles and new ways of interacting for all of us. And there are days I feel sad and lonely. I miss my friends, and restaurants, and Brent's easy work schedule.
Much of what I'm feeling has nothing to do with regret, because honestly, I have none. I'm realizing that what I'm feeling is the pain of letting go. I'm starting to see that if my hands are full, I can't pick up anything new. This is a season of making space, of openness to new people and experiences, and letting go of the security of the familiar. I am doing things I never though I would do, and liking them. I'm trying things I never thought I could do, and growing stronger. I'm learning to love a new community, and finding places where I can connect. And I'm learning how to walk through the big and the small things with family every day. What an incredible gift.
My empty hands have room to hold new things, new people, new adventures. I feel so privileged to have this opportunity to expand and grow and learn. Almost every day I work physically hard enough to experience sore muscles. The pain in my muscles echos the pain in my heart of letting go. And they are both good. And neither will last forever.
Love from NorCalia
PS: There is a prayer that I have been praying for years that I love. It pretty much sums up my life. Just in case you're curious, it's call the Welcoming Prayer. Enjoy!